3 months that we are here, and, as i had fantasized for the last 2 years, i celebrated my 35th birthday in Paris, and it was, hm, the least happiest birthday of all, can you believe that?
Me and C are learning so much here. So much about what we want our life to be like, and so much about the crazy fantasies our ego can drive us into, letting me believe that here, my life would be more fun, easier, grandiose and even, spectacular.
The reality i face today is that i feel exhausted and burned out most of the time, since i have lost all the ways i found i could relax in the past (my bath tub, balcony, a silent flat, silent walks and green spaces close). It seems i am just too fragile/sensible to continue living in a big city. This is nothing new to me, but i still decided to come over here, just to try to live in Paris once in my life, before moving to a calm country side. The fantasies about living a perfect life here turned out into a life where i can’t stand taking the metro and hearing cars all day long without feeling depleted in energy. I miss green spaces close to our flat where we can just lay quiet under the sun for a while, without being surrounded by hundreds of people and cars. Right now, I cant enjoy my time here so much, with a backpain which i carry over since a year, fighting mid depression caused by the lack of free movement, fear of pain and of illness, and the loss of my 10 last year companion lilo — all that together feels like visiting the dark side.
Leaving your home is quite something, and i do recognize our strength, curiosity, courage and confidence, but why did i needed to put myself into this situation? I now envy people who seem to “have it all”, you know what i mean? From outside, other people’s life can seem so harmonious and all in order, you start to wonder, what is wrong with me?
So much for my 35th birthday.
We thought Paris would be for us the place where we could *finally* be happy, and as we now realize, everywhere you go, you take the weather with you — if you are not happy right now, chances are, you wont be more happy moving to the other side of the ocean. I do not say our move was a mistake, we really had all best intentions in mind, and i think we needed to do this to learn many things about ourselves. Not all learning experiences are easy, so all i can do now is take one hour at a time, and try to find tiny bits of pleasure here and there.