As we are on our way to week 6 in Paris, i am still in between stirring moods. One of our cat started to feel sick a week ago, making me feel rather miserable after not sleeping well for the last 7 days, always on the emergency mode to detect anything abnormal from our two sweet little fur balls.
This opened the door wide for a new crisis (!), new events to make me digg deep again in my soul to find out that a part of me still believe that i am not allowed to give myself all that i have, see comfort and abundance in many ways. This part can easily list all the reasons why i should *not* have left, and so, after some days alone in the dark, another part of me woke up, this time to let me hear the opposite: how courageous it was of me to take my dream seriously, sum the energy and believe enough in myself to take what seems for many like a huge risk (of loosing comfort and security) – and not letting anything get in the way. I left, even if dad is sick, even if my back pain issues are still unresolved, even if i (should) could have waited to have more savings so to be safe (like in supa-dupa-ultra safe, as if this could happen!).
So, let’s call these two opposites which give me wonderful headache since a week, the dark and the light parts of myself. The dark side, i could as well call him Dark (as in Dark Vador, but you probably already got this), still keep listing all the reasons why i should not have moved, beside listing all the ways in which i will be punished (see: have my cat being sick must be *because* of the move to Paris a month ago), and i believe this part, until the light (Luke!) can fight back, prove me right and support my decisions. I should be enjoying myself here guys, not having a fight with my own self!
So i must admit that the cold weather (Paris is just too cold, hard to believe that we still heat our flat), the gray and the lack of sleep started to have me believe that i am just unable to find or have any fun in my life, anymore. I even get homesick, deeply, missing all the comfort i have left at home. And i read all these messages from friends, who all envy us — if only they could see how uneasy some days can be! But again, i’ve always been, up until now (and hoping this will change soon), someone for whom the glass is always half empty – so if it is cold and gray, these are enough reasons for me to end up looking for pleasure or anything that could cheer me up.
Beside all this fuzyness, i find great comfort in sitting at my local coffee (Le Naguerre), read new books (Sonya Choquette, Sark and Anais Nin), and taiking pictures on my daily walks. Hopefully, this new week will bring more warmth and laughter in my heart.