a big deal of trust in my backpack
that is basically the first thing i think about when i wake up each morning: which day are we, how much time left, what do i have to do today.
It is quite exhausting. As much as i dont want to see the day when i will have to leave florian and the cats (which is this coming sunday), as much i hope all this will be over soon so i can focus my energies on the future.
It is hard for me to know that a painful moment is coming, to know that i will go through what i wanted to avoid the most. Also hard to accept myself as i am now: slow, dramatic, afraid and sad, lost and insecure. I am almost always fighting to be something else, instead of just letting these feelings/emotions go through me.
I feel so vulnerable, and there is so much resistance to that change. I know that this change could bring me so much good things, much more than i can imagine right now, but a part of me is so scared and just doesnt want things to get upside down from one day to the other.
If… if i could know that i will leave, but that my actual flat, cats, and boyfriend will be here, waiting for me to come back.. but it is not my reality right now… my reality is that i will be leaving, the flat will be gone, and my boyfriend and cats will move somewhere else. There is no coming back, i think that’s the hardest part for me. My comfort zone, the place and people who made me feel safe and at home, all this will be gone.
“For the new to come you must be ready to give away the old. The universe will never take something away from you if its not to give you something better”
Again, i will have to jump, with nothing else than a big deal of trust in my backpack.